Australia in Pakistan 2022: A letter to Pat Cummins

Dear Pat Cummins,

We hope that this letter finds you in the best of health and spirits (which understandably must be soaring after trouncing England 4-0 in the recently concluded Ashes). Let us first start by thanking you for agreeing to tour Pakistan for Test and limited over series, come spring, after 24 long years. As we peruse the squad announced by Cricket Australia, we are delighted to note that there are no drop outs. All the usual suspects, the Starks, the Warners, the Smiths, the Hazelwoods along with the finest young talent, have been placed under your command. We offer our gratitude once again. But also, some words of caution. We, here at DR Cricket, strongly believe that nothing short of a full-strength Aussie side can challenge our national cricket team. Ours is a top-notch side and any team that takes it lightly will only do so at its own peril. Hospitality demands that we prepare you for what to expect when you put your foot on Pakistani soil. So, for yours and your team’s wellbeing, read the contents of this letter very wisely.

First of all, expect love and warmth of the Pakistani Nation that it has reserved for our guests. Our manners are simple, not ostentatious, but they come from the heart. Our gestures of affection are not exaggerated but pure. We mean it when we say Chashm-e-Ma Roshan Dil-e-Mashad (Our eyes lit up and our hearts are full of Joy on seeing you). Expect No less.

But once you step on the cricket field brace yourself for the impact. We will hit you hard. Our bowlers know how to ball on our pitches and our batters know how to accumulate runs here. These are no Australian pitches where you can cut and pull at will. Here the ball will follow our bowlers’ bidding. It will turn, reverse swing at a searing pace and occasionally, often unexpectedly, stay low. Our pacers are rapid and spinners conniving. Batting here will be a grind.

Being a pacer, and presently the top ranked one in test cricket; you think you can bully our batters with the short pitch stuff. Well, the hapless English batters have spoiled you by their timidness. For starters, you will really have to bend your back to make the ball climb above chest height. Even if you manage to do that we know how to pull and hook. And pitching up is not an option as our batters can drive you all day long, relentlessly.

Then there is the crowd. Ah yes, the crowd. We are not certain how much would be allowed in the stadiums owing to the Covid restrictions but whatever number is allowed would be enough. Don’t worry we are not an abusive lot. We do not sledge but love to banter. We are also appreciative of a good performance and applaud whole heartedly. But when we get behind our bowlers, we add a yard to their pace and when we spur our batters on, no boundary line is far enough. All the while, never letting go of the norms of decency.

So, Pat my friend, prepare well, lest you live to regret it.

Chashm-e-Ma Roshan Dil-e-Mashad

Yours very truly,

DR Cricket.

P.S. Give our regards to Meg Lanning for winning the women Ashes. She’s up next.